Giving them wings to fly

My byline is "The two most important things a mother can give a child are first roots and then wings." I have spent the the last seventeen years trying to give my kids roots. Roots that they could always draw from. Roots of loyalty, faithfulness, determination, faith, persistence, compassion, and love.

Chuck and I started out with an empty toolbox when it came to raising kids. All we knew was that we didn't want to make the same mistakes that our parents did. (Not necessarily out of judgment, but out wanting to raise kids in a home with a mom and dad.) Something neither of us knew growing up. Neither one of grew up in a Christian home. My grandparents were Christian and so I had some spiritual upbringing from them. But for the most part, we were trying to turn the tide. Our first goal to stay married longer than our parents. When both of our kids had turned two we felt like we had crossed a huge milestone, for both our parents divorced when we were two. But we were so afraid that we wouldn't make it much farther, for our lives at that time was comparable to a train wreck. But by the grace of God, we made it. In fact, this last September we celebrated our 19th year anniversary. All by God's immeasurable grace.

Then we felt like God wanted us to homeschool our children, so by faith we took it on. Not really knowing what we were doing, we embraced it with vigor. By the middle of the first year, I was in tears almost everyday wondering if I was going to ruin my kids. Chuck would come by and tell me, "Babe, you are the best mom I know. You are doing a great job!" I would look at him sideways but somehow I would continue on in our quest. Every year I would go through some similar cycle. I would want to give up, for I knew that this would be the year it would finally show that I was doing a poor enough job to put them in school. But as we tested every year we found they were progressing well. And with the summers to re-energize I would be ready to start the fall off enthusiastically.

This year I knew it would be my daughters final year. I had so many mixed emotions. Mostly I worried if I had prepared her properly for life. Would she be ready for college? Marriage? Being a way from us? Life?

We are now into November and I can tell you that I am struggling to release. One of my dear friends called me this week after I had asked her to pray for us and she posed these questions to me. Am I willing to trust her to the Lord? Do I trust the Lord with her? These questions pierced my heart. What was my trust in me or the Lord? My works or His? For just about the last 18 years my greatest work has been preparing them for life. And now we are here, and I don't want to let go. My fears, my frustrations, and doubts have clouded my judgment.

As hard as I thought it would be to homeschool, I never imagined that it would be this hard to release and let them fly. But I must. I will. Really, I don't have any other choice. It is God's design for them to leave and follow after the Him.

And His grace which has led us this far will cover them and lead them the paths of righteousness for His Name sake. My heart is leaning on this truth. But as it leans so intently, I fear it will break in two. Will my apologies be enough? Where I have hurt them inadvertently. But I have looked to this Scripture for peace over the years when I didn't feel adequate or qualified to be their mom.

All your sons will be taught by the LORD, and great will be your children's peace.
Isaiah 54:13

God will take up the slack and teach exactly what they will need. And in turn, great peace they will have. Though my heart is tender for all the emotions the surge through it right now. I will trust that Lord has good plans for them a future and a hope.

Photography Contest

TMV©2008

As some of you know I writer for the Denver Examiner. The Examiner is having a contest on places and faces. If you have time, stop by and vote for your favorite picture. Here is the link.

http://photocontest.examiner.com/bin/Rate?searchphotographer=Tonya Vander&search=photographer#

Thanks!

Colorado fall of 2009

It took me awhile, but I finally finished my fall pictures.

Santa Fe

When Chuck first proposed the idea of going to Santa Fe for our anniversary, I scoffed. It wasn't like I didn't want to go, but with the finances and teenagers and well, life, I really didn't think we could take the time or money and go. After carefully explaining all my well thought out arguments a.k.a. fears, Chuck just smiled at me and said, "But babe, I really want to bless you."
I smiled weakly at him and said, "Let's pray about it."
That week I had some friends over and asked them all to pray. They did and thought I should go. I called Jan, she thought I should go. Every person I looked to, thought I should go. But why did I resist it so much? We planned out a strict budget, we chose to forgo a nice hotel to visit more museums. I packed food for me. And yet, I was still stressed.

Thursday we packed and left for New Mexico by mid morning. We did some shopping in town, had lunch and finally headed out by 2pm. Chuck told me that he was going to enjoy the trip whether we made it to Santa Fe by 8pm or midnight. I really wondered what was up with him.

As we drove our conversation turned to the deeper issues. When all the distractions are taken away, God gets a chance to reveal our hearts and hurts. As we continued sharing, I wondered if we would be too hurt or frustrated by the time we made it to New Mexico. But God distracted us with this very cool church. Chuck stopped in Trinidad, Colorado so I could take it's picture. :)

As we continued on, the sun started to set and the colors of the brush just popped all around us. Pulling off to the side of the highway is dangerous, much less when a woman has a camera stuck to her face.

Of all the pictures I have taken in Colorado, I had never seen such colorful brush on the buttes. It was very breath taking.

By the time we made it into Santa Fe, it was night and all I could see was the outlines of the adobe homes. When I saw them, I started weeping. All the pressure and fear of not making it dissipated as I saw the silhouettes of the adobe buildings. I think that I couldn't accept the fact that I was going to Santa Fe, even thought it is one of my ALL time favorite places to visit. We had gone through so much in the last few years, I guess my heart had become hardened by the trials. I didn't realize how much so until the next evening.

The next morning we hurriedly finished our breakfast and weak coffee to go see O'Keeffe. Trying to find parking on the square requires patience. Patience I didn't have. I wanted out of the van so badly, Chuck was laughing at me. I was like a kid seeing the roller coasters and wondering how long the line would be. After parking we headed towards the museum. If you ever get a chance to visit Santa Fe, visit Georgia O'Keeffe Museum. Her paintings have inspired and encouraged me as an artist and photographer. :)

The entire day we spent walking through one museum or gallery after another. We walked so much that the next day I went to put on my shoes, and I had split the heel of my shoe. We had to buy me another pair of shoes! :) Oh, how I love Santa Fe! LOL

As we strolled through each gallery and I realized I had a shot like that painting, or photograph, the realization of being an artist came to the forefront of my mind. The last time I visited was six years prior. I was just starting out as a photographer. Santa Fe, looked so different to me then. I was in the discovery stage. Now I am in the stage of understanding. Understanding who I am and what I am to do. Each gallery had pools of water that I drank deeply from,which restored me as an artist. Not to convince me that I was, like in the early days, but to show me where I had come from and where I was going.

My soul was saturated in pure joy. Friday night we ate at one of my favorite restaurants, Coyote Cafe. We ate out on the deck where the light of the full moon lit up the sky. The air was filled with the mixture of grilled meat and wood smoke. Nestled around the table we ate and drank and I cried. I cried for I had forgotten how much fun it was to enjoy life. To enjoy my husband. To enjoy my surroundings. To enjoy. I was so incredibly grateful to Chuck and the Lord for taking me to a place where I could find myself, once again.

Saturday was our pampering day. We had a massage and then went to a Japanese styled bathhouse. It was magnificent. I stayed on the womens' side and just soaked. Before long, everyone cleared out and it was just the Lord and I. I love soaking in water, it not only does my body good, it renews my soul, too. And here I was all by myself praying, staring up at the stars, singing, and worshiping God. He had led me by the still waters, He had restored my soul.

As we drove back on Sunday we stumbled upon this GORGEOUS rose garden. Roses and adobe churches make me squeal in delight! So I spent time shooting roses of all shades. Then we hunted for beautiful doors before we left. The day was delightful in so many ways. Chuck and I found so many things to photograph. We took our time, had lunch in Taos, and enjoyed every ounce of the weekend.

I can't begin to tell you how much my soul was restored just being there. I can't begin to tell you how much our marriage needed just the time alone with each other. Words fail me to express my gratitude to the Lord for giving us that weekend to ponder, to dream, to create, to be inspired, to be encouraged, and to feel oh, so loved. All I can say is that I am so grateful, even as I share this, almost two weeks later, I teared up thinking about the joy that spilled over in my heart that weekend. Here's a slide show.
I hope you enjoy them to visit one day. :)

Happy Birthday Honey!

I always thank God for you
because of his grace given you in Christ Jesus.
1 Corinthians 1:4

Happy Birthday to you!
I am so glad that God blessed us
with an awesome hubby and daddy!
We love you so much!
Amanda
Jonathan
&Me

4 year blogiversary

I can't believe it has been four years since I started blogging. I can barely remember October 2005!

Going back to where it all began has stirred so many, many emotions in me. Being able to journal the thoughts and actions during a particular time enables me to look back with joy and sorrow. But I am so glad that I have blogged, for it has empowered me to tell the story of my life. So I thought I would pick a few posts from the past that shows the ups and downs of the last five years.

Wow, I really can't believe I have been blogging for four years!

1. In the beginning
2. Our trip to California to see Chuck's dad
   
3. Amanda's post sometimes it's better for others to speak.
4. And then he rescued me
5. Biscuits & gravy and all that jazz
6. The week we left the church
7. Getting a little help from my friends
8. My aunt Janie
9. Tea party, you can always find it here, too.
10. My struggle with weight loss
11. Things I would never say
12. Chuck, Amanda, Jonathan, and Elizabeth
    
13. Pennies from heaven
14. Healing in so many ways
15. Moving on and moving forward

As I read over some of my old posts, it seems surreal to be able to click through the posts of your life from year to year. It also made me so very, very grateful for so many friends, family, and our new church. I have been given wealth that can't be measured in dollars and cents but rather in love, support, and friendship. My life has been so enriched by you all. Thank you.

Marriage Monday: Extreme Make Over

I was on the verge of leaving my husband. I didn’t feel like I could stay with him anymore. So, when our church talked about a marriage encounter, Chuck asked me to go. I looked at it, as a quarter back throwing a Hail Mary pass into the end-zone at the end of a football game. You had to give the guy credit for trying. So I went with without any expectation of changing much less keeping our marriage together.

The first time God miraculously stepped in to save us from ourselves was in 1993. We had gone through a whirlwind of events in an eighteen month period. Our twin daughter passed away just before she was born, we moved to another state with our surviving five month old. We knew no one, then my husband’s brother passed away at the age of twenty nine from cancer. Shortly after returning from the funeral my husband was fired from his job, which provided an apartment and a car, so in one week we lost our income, car, and home. And I was eight months pregnant with our son. We quickly moved in with some friends and one month later our son was born. Then Des Moines was stricken with flood so great it was considered a 500 year flood. Our entire city was under water and had no electricity. We lived on the outskirts so we at least had power. But things were really tough.

At the end of all this, we realized that our coping mechanisms were destroying our marriage. Both Chuck and I turned to different addictions to try to stop the pain growing in souls. Though we were searching for relief, we gained more sorrow and separation.

Attending the marriage encounter, we soon discovered we were worlds apart in how we dealt with the stresses of life. I remember journaling after one session and praying about my anger with Chuck’s issues. Then ever so gently, the Lord revealed all the bitterness that had built up in my own heart.

Immediately, the Lord began rebuilding my heart. But first, He had to empty it of all my bitterness and anger. During that prayer time I felt like woman that came and wiped Jesus’ feet with her tears after being forgiven. I was face down in our hotel room pouring out my heart and asking God for forgiveness. I was sweetly broken before Him. After praying I felt so clean and so loved. He understood my pain and didn’t judge me for it. I not only fell in love with Chuck again that weekend, I also fell in love with my Lord once again.

Though my trust was breached by the things that Chuck had done, I felt like the Lord let me down too. I prayed for our family and bad things still happened. Where was God in all this? Did He care? All of my fears and doubts were washed away as I poured out my heart. It is very difficult to put into words what happens when the Lord meets you right where you are. But just one word that He speaks to you can have an enormous implication for your life. That’s what happened during that session.

After each session our walls started coming down. We were able to see each others’ point of view. We started laughing again. I believe that when multiple tragic events hit a marriage all at one time, they need outside support to help weather the storm. Neither one of us knew how to grieve, or express our anger and disappointment. All we knew how to do was run and hide. Learning to communicate was painful. Letting go of our crutches seemed impossible. But over time, we were able to do just that.

It took many months after that original marriage encounter to heal. But the main change came that weekend.

Enjoying the change of color

One of the best perks about homeschooling in Colorado is taking time to see the aspens change color and counting it as a field trip. Fall is my favorite time of year. It is warm in the day and cool at night. Taking hikes in the mountains is a great way to add physical education to your school year. Talking about how the leaves change can count for science. Collecting leaves and pine cones can be used for art or giving gifts at Thanksgiving or Christmas.
Bringing a camera along is a must. :)

To read more of the story and see my slide show, click here.