Relaxing for Mother's Day

Longing for peace and restoration, yet, without fail, the pain comes; it almost seems inevitable each Mother’s Day. Every year, I wonder how I will make it through the day. Should I call her or just send a card? This year, I am more sensitive than in years past. Being estranged from your mother for a long time is no easy thing. Many women that I know who are in a similar situation won’t even talk about it, for without fail someone will bring up the Honor thy mother and father Scripture. People aren’t comfortable with division. So they look to one person, usually the one who has taken the brunt of abuse to make everyone feel better, without really looking at why there is division in the first place. This happened to me this week. I was on the phone with a family member and a question was posed about my mother coming to a particular event for my children. When it was revealed that she wouldn’t be attending, Scriptures were yielded like a sword at me. By the time I got of the phone, I was shaking so bad, I thought I would physically collapse. The rest of the night I wondered once again, was I that bad, unforgiving daughter they all judged me to be?

I went to church that night and I went up for prayer after the service. Our Pastor’s wife prayed Psalm 23 over me. As we finished and I hugged her, and asked her two things: Will you tell me you love me? And am I as horrible as they imply? No matter how old a child is, the heart can be shattered by rejection and scorn. I couldn’t suppress the sobs anymore as they escaped. Clinging to her, I wondered if it would ever end. All I have ever wanted was closure.

Sometimes to move forward you have go back.

For about a year I have been reading A Wounded Heart, by Dan Allender. This book has brought so much understanding to me about myself; I can’t even begin to share all of it now with you. But in the process of reading this book, many memories that I had pushed deep within me have surfaced, which has caused my heart to be extra tender. Many of the memories that I had of my childhood seemed like sterile facts with no or very little emotion tied to them. Now they have come alive with deep anger mixed with profound sorrow.

When I started this book I thought I might need a highlighter to help me mark special passages and quotes that I wanted to remember. If you saw my book today, it looks like a kindergartner colored every page, it is so marked up. But as I continued reading, I became aware of what the abuse had done to my soul. After all these years of crying out to God to help me with my anger or frustration and feeling completely overrun with guilt and condemnation because I just couldn’t get or maintain freedom in this area. I was continually blanketed with self-contempt. What I learned was that the self-contempt was placed deep within years before I became an adult or even before I became a Christian. In turn my coping mechanisms were formed. Having all this exposed, it led me to the One who can redeem, protect, and heal the broken and bruised places of my soul. And ultimately leading me to love others without fear or walls, the way Christ loves us.

So this leads me back to Mother’s Day, and what I should do. I sent a card, for that is honoring and the right thing to do. As for communication, not yet, for my heart isn’t ready for more rejection and accusations. In time, maybe the Lord will lead me in a path that will bring restoration this relationship. Forgiveness can happen even if the person never apologizes, but restoration takes two and I am not sure that will ever happen on this side of heaven. Looking at things with honesty requires that all denial and minimizing be removed. I am not sure if everyone would be on board with that. So fro now, I am going to celebrate the day with my family, Chuck and the kids. I am looking forward to a peaceful and quiet time with them in the mountains.