In quietness and confidence shall be your strength

"In quietness and confidence shall be your strength."

Tonight while Chuck and I were having dinner we discussed some of my mothering issues. I love being able to be so open and honest with my guy. Our openness is one of the most valued attributes of our marriage. I can talk to him about anything. So we were discussing my change of attitude when the kids are gone. It is like I am another person. This cloud lifts and Chuck and I have fun. But at home I seem to be all business. I think I have been this way since the babies were born. I remember having two under two and I would do the grocery shopping, clean the house, go to the laundry mat and make dinner all in one day.

How did I do that? Why did I do that?

I have always been this no nonsense mom. Everything was a mission. Chuck asked me if it was it a military mission or a missionary mission. My reply was both something like the Crusades and we all know how that ended…

This militancy in me derives from fear. Fear of not finishing what I started. One of my greatest sorrows in life is the fact that I didn’t finish high school. About three years into our marriage I found the guts to take my GED. I passed with ease, but secretly wondered if it was a fluke. I guess I haven’t been able to completely forgive myself for not finishing. Now, had I finished school, I wouldn’t have met Chuck or married him. So really, I can’t complain for Chuck has been the best thing in my life. But I really need to learn how to relax as a mom. Especially in these last few years I have with them.

Both kids have on numerous occasions told me how sad it is that I don’t know how to have fun. Amanda chalks it up to my childhood. :) She is such a sweet girl. Jonathan just shakes his head when I get a wide grin on my face from working out in the yard or cleaning the basement. Doesn’t everyone get happy when things get organized around the house?

Tonight I was reading Streams in the Desert and it quoted, in quietness and confidence shall be your strength. I think I have missed it over the years. Being confident in God that things were going to turn out for the kids. That we wouldn’t mess them up and then thrust them into society unprepared. I was so mission minded that I didn’t relax much. So as Amanda enters her senior year, I want to be more relaxed. I am not sure how to do this, but I am seeking the Lord in this area, hoping to find some pockets of peace as we finish out her education at home. For I want her to remember me not only as drill sergeant, but mom, too.