In Plain Sight

When I stumbled upon this show about a month ago, I was having a a pretty bad flair up with my fibromyalgia and after watching two episodes back to back, I knew that I was hooked. I was laughing so hard because I could relate to her frustrations with her job, boss, family, and life in general. Well, in a non-Marshall kind of way. :)




Mary Shannon is the tough US Marshall, who doesn't take diddly from anyone. Yet, she takes sweet care of her dysfunctional family, well with a side of sass. Her wit is sharp. Razor sharp. But beneath that tough exterior is this amazingly vulnerable woman.

Marshall Mann is her partner. Their relationship has its quirks. Her boss really doesn't know what to do with her. But she excels at what she does, so they give her a wide berth. Then there is her family. An alcoholic mother and her irresponsible sister that drive her crazy. There have been some conversations that took place on the show between Mary and her mother that came very close to conversations that I have had with my mother in times past. Dysfunctional at its best!

If you get a chance check it out. It's on the USA network.

Fire and Ice at Home

After listening to Jonathan recite Robert Frost's Fire and Ice for the millionth time today in a deep exaggerated voice, I called him a bard with a smile. Hopping to distract him long enough to get some peace and quiet, only to hear him say incredulously, "Mom, I am offended that you called me that! What does it mean?"
"Look it up," I retorted.

Sticking out his chest he smiles and says, "You called me Shakespeare!"
"Did it also mention that HE was dead?" Amanda asked.


Chuckling at the two of them sparing with words, I am counting down the days till we are done with school for the year. 7 weeks, people. 7 weeks...

I am then abruptly brought back to reality as I hear Amanda scream at Jonathan, "Will you stop all that cacophony, PLEASE! You are driving me nuts!"

Oh, the irony...
:)

Overcoming Dissociation

He heals the brokenhearted And binds up their wounds. Psalm 147:3

Some journeys take a lifetime to finish. I am finding this out the hard way. I am a person that is destination minded. It gets me into trouble in more ways than I know. :) Just ask my family if they want to go on vacation with me and wait for their response. "What, go with mom... make sure you don't have to go to the bathroom a lot!" Or "She just sees it and checks it off her list and moving onto the next place. We barely have enough time to enjoy it!"
Would be another common response. So, I may have issues still to work through...

But the Lord has had me on a journey, where I don't just get to fly by and count it as seeing it, but I have to stop and wait. Wait on the Lord, wait on my memory, and view my past as mine. Then let Him heal me.

When I became a Christian, I received some poor doctrine on this subject. To be very honest, Chuck and I went through a brain-washing type exercise that disassociated us from our past. By the end of it, we both pretty much had to take responsibility of everything that happened to us and then just move on. This was very detrimental to us, but we didn't realize it at the time. Fast forward almost twenty years and in this area we are just about at square one.

I have learned that dissociation isn't the same thing as forgetting the former things and moving on. Being able to forget your past means that you have made peace with it. I don't believe in living in the past, for it only hinders people from being who God created them to be. Staying in the past labels one as a victim and not a victor in Christ.

So what is the difference between moving on and dissociation? Here is the definition to dissociation:

dis⋅so⋅ci⋅ate
   /dɪˈsoʊʃiˌeɪt, -si-/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [di-soh-shee-eyt, -see-] Show IPA verb, -at⋅ed, -at⋅ing.
–verb (used with object)
1. to sever the association of (oneself); separate: He tried to dissociate himself from the bigotry in his past.
2. to subject to dissociation.
–verb (used without object)
3. to withdraw from association.
4. to undergo dissociation.
Origin:
1605–15; dis- 1 + (as)sociate, modeled on L dissociātus, ptp. of dissociāre to divide, sever

Related forms:
dis⋅so⋅ci⋅a⋅tive, adjective
Dictionary.com Unabridged
Based on the Random House Dictionary, © Random House, Inc. 2009.

Related Words for : dissociate
disassociate, disjoint, disunite, divorce, decouple

I don't think we can sever our relationship of our past. It's what give us our testimony in many ways. But that is exactly what I did. I severed a huge portion of my past. Plus, the trauma that incurred years ago blocked many memories for years. In fact it wasn't till this week that painful memories from the past can flooding back. It takes a lot of courage to go back there and face not just what happened, but what happened to you. There were many times I could recall a certain situation but it was with no emotion or connection. All that changed this week. Everything became personal. This happened to me in that house. I went to that school. He did that to my pet. They weren't just events, but they were apart of my history. Not my present, but the genealogy of me. The story of what make me, me.

When we got saved, everything in our past became rubbish and those around us used Scriptures to show us that was the case. But if we look at Jesus, Paul, David, and others we see who they were before they entered ministry. Jesus was the only one that didn't let any of his past control him. He is our example. He doesn't deny his past, but uses it to minister to those that have similar hurts or pains.

Looking back, I know that being in a safe place has opened the doors of my memory to come forth. Had we still be in the old church, I wouldn't be able to go through this process. And that topic is another post in itself, for we just celebrated our 2nd anniversary.
It really is amazing how everything is connected, isn't it? I hope to share with you some of the places where I received healing from past abuse.

If you are also on this journey, then maybe we can pray for each other. Finding friends along the way make it sweeter by the day...

A Shadow the Length of Time

“Child abuse casts a shadow the length of a lifetime.”

Herbert Ward

He is not here; for He is Risen, as He Said

Now after the Sabbath, as the first day of the week began to dawn, Mary Magdalene and

the other Mary came to see the tomb. ² And behold, there was a great earthquake; for an

angel of the Lord descended from heaven, and came and rolled back the stone from the door,

and sat on it. ³ His countenance was like lightning, and his clothing as white as snow. ⁴ And

the guards shook for fear of him, and became like dead men. ⁵ But the angel answered and

said to the women, “Do not be afraid, for I know that you seek Jesus who was crucified. ⁶ He

is not here; for He is risen, as He said. Come, see the place where the Lord lay. ⁷ And go

quickly and tell His disciples that He is risen from the dead, and indeed He is going before you

into Galilee; there you will see Him. Behold, I have told you.”


⁸ So they went out quickly from the tomb with fear and great joy, and ran to bring His

disciples word. ⁹ And as they went to tell His disciples, behold, Jesus met them, saying,

“Rejoice!” So they came and held Him by the feet and worshiped Him. ¹⁰ Then Jesus said to

them, “Do not be afraid. Go and tell My brethren to go to Galilee, and there they will see Me.”

Matthew 28: 1-9

The power of the cross is extravagant love.

He is Risen, just like He said.

The Power of Older Women

TMV© 2008
Therefore encourage one another and build each other up,
just as in fact you are doing.
1 Thessalonians 5:11

Hunched over, unable to look up, I wiped my eyes and earnestly looked at them and choked out the words, “But she will never be potty trained now!”
For I had just explained how I had accidently dropped my teeny, tiny little two year old in the toilet, while I was on the phone with my best friend. And now, my daughter wouldn’t even go into the bathroom, much less sit on the potty!
All the women chuckled, and then got up from their seats to give me a hug. But it was dear Miss Betty that gently said, “Honey, she’ll be potty trained by the time she is walking down the aisle.”
After she said that, the whole room erupted into laughter.

Little did I know then, what a blessing it was to be surrounded by older, wiser, godly women. Looking back, how did a barely twenty something end up in classroom full of seasoned grandmas. But by God’s providence.

Every Sunday I couldn’t wait to get to Sunday School class. It was a place where I could just be me. The kids were in the nursery and Chuck was in own class studying, who knows what. But here I sat amongst seasoned Christians who had lost children, grandchildren, and husbands. Who had suffered the loss of their dignity, homes, and health, but hadn’t lost their faith in the midst of it all. Sure many Sunday mornings were just spent calling upon the Father for lost loved ones, broken hearts, and grieving widows. And yet, that is where I started to learn that you didn’t have to have all together to minister, you just had to know the One who could redeem your mess, it in His time. Where a hug and that knowing smile could enable you to somehow make it through another week.

Today the word mentor is thrown around a lot in Christian circles. I have seen many different examples used. But I think the one that lived it the most, was those older women hugging on me and telling me that my babies would be potty trained and my marriage would last. It was those earnest prayers that tethered me to the Lord as I went through my week. It was all of them pitching in and buying me a coat, for they noticed that I never wore one in the middle of an Iowa winter. However what they mentored most of all was my soul.

So I challenge you today, who can you mentor? I know of a young lady who is newly married that encourages my daughter in so many ways. Both of them are still in school, yet she reaches out to my daughter. I see Beth coming along side of many women and giving them the confidence that they need to be a wife and mom. Then there is Jan, who encourages me by making me laugh about having two teen- agers in my house.

But what about telling your pastor, husband, teacher how much they mean to you. It is hard to keep leading others when you have your own struggles to deal with deep inside your heart. A simple hug and a thank you can go a long way. Better yet, pray with them, you never know if that prayer is the one that helps them see that God is really on their side. Giving acceptance and courage today, is so vital in our rejection and fear ridden society.

So if you need prayer, let me know, I would love to pray for you.

King of Glory

Should I be worried?

"Mom, do you think my room would be a convenient place to die?"

"Why do you ask?"

"Because all these crickets come to my room just to die!"

Can you guess who asked me this?

Oh, the joys of motherhood!

Now, back to this dreaded paperwork.

She's Seventeen

Dear Amanda,
How can it be that you are 17? Just the other day I was holding you for the first time. You have become more than I have would have dreamed a little girl could be. So smart, so pretty, so kind, and so giving. I am so very proud to be called your mom. I hope you have a wonderful day.

Love,
Mom