Learning to Let Go of What Was

Life in our home is so different now. Jonathan is getting ready to leave for college in two weeks, Chuck and I are finishing up our college classes from the summer semester. Both of us are looking forward to teaching at FACE this next year. In many ways things are moving forward. Both of us are getting stronger each day. Chuck has done very well with his two classes. I am up and moving, I even painted! It feels good to not be in crisis mode, that is for sure.

Yet, adapting to a new way of life has not come without challenges. I would love to say that I just start singing when the strain of so many new situations, and in some ways new relationships press in. But I don't. Many times I just want to run away. I want to justify my frustrations with " haven't I  been through enough, I have paid my dues." Of course I know that isn't how life works. So instead I try to stay busy so I don't have to think about the new many changes. This coping mechanism only works for so long, then it just adds to the tension and stress. At the end of the day you are forced to look at how you only have the power to change yourself.

Last  Saturday we went to church and God met us. Our Pastor for the last few weeks on mourning the death of a dream or situation. That is where we are right now, learning to let go of what was. Blessed are those that mourn, for they shall be comforted. Both Chuck and I have different places where we are grieving since the accident. One for the loss of his abilities, the other for the relationship we once had. Saturday night the Pastor anointed those that were grieving the end of one season and waiting for the next season to start. Part of the grief, is that you don't want to let go, you desperately want things to stay the way they were. Both of us went up to be anointed and then we went through a tunnel of joy- the leadership lined up to speak over all of us that were grieving. A lady I didn't know grabbed my hand and didn't let go, in many ways it felt like the hand of God letting me know that He is with us through all of it.

Once we were back in our seats the Pastor asked for people to raise their hands who needed a financial breakthrough. Both Chuck and I had the same consternation, do we raise our hands at this moment? I know that I will need full-time work by the end of the year so we raised our hands separately. Two sweet women who didn't know us started to pray and one of the lady's started praying for the trauma, I just broke. Then men came around to pray of Chuck's brain. It was so wonderful to have others praying for him. I felt so supported, especially emotionally and spiritually.

There are more unknowns right now than certainties; except that the Lord will walk with us through all of these changes. But it can be very difficult to see the forest for the trees. :) Spiritually speaking I need to take my macro lens off and put my wide angle on so I can see the realm of possibilities rather than one particular spot. One way I have done this was by joining a support group online for survivors and caregivers of TBI. Listening to other wives share their stories has been eye opening and encouraging. In so many, many ways Chuck has been spared, it truly is a miracle. But there is still loss and for now and we are dealing with it the best we know how. Our hope and comfort lie in the Lord. He has walked with us this far, I know he will continue.

But sometimes I feel like a child who was playing in the clothes rack focused on something neat only to find that we don't know where our parent went in the store. But. since I have been that parent, I know that I was watching the child the whole time. Nevertheless, it feels good to feel the presence of the Lord with so much uncertainty. Jeremiah 29:11 is my anchor of hope- For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.