I’d rather being digging ditches!

From The Sparrow Still Falls

“I’d rather being digging ditches!” This is what I say almost every Tuesday or at least every Tuesday this summer. Counseling is much harder than one realizes, that is for sure. This week though, I felt like I was digging tunnels through impenetrable rock and I am not allow to use dynamite to blow it to smithereens.:)  My counselor continues to encourage me by showing me that we are at the core issues of my life. That we have made it through the myriad layers that I have either put on or others have tried to dress me in. The work is exhausting, yet I am grateful to have this time to seek healing for myself like never before.

Just because we have made it to the core doesn’t mean that all the layers have been dealt with. I liken it to digging through a garbage bag of clothes just trying to figure out where the bottom is. The clothes still need to be sorted into piles of what to keep, what to throw out, and “what was I thinking?”

When I started counseling the goal was to find out who I was and how to put the past behind me. My goals have somewhat changed due to the last year, yet I am finding out who I am as each layer is removed. In many ways I am really starting to understand how much of the past has affected me today. Throw in a few life and death health crises in the last year and that pretty much sums me up. :)

 

Dealing with trauma is very interesting. In my life it has been constant companion of sorts. The first time I looked at a whiteboard that was filled with my trauma I couldn’t seem to catch my breath. It was so overwhelming for me. But the tools that I have learned have enabled me to take each incident as its own entity, instead of a web that can leave me entangled and powerless. I am taking back my power one incident at a time. The release of energy in motion or emotion that has been trapped inside of me is exhilarating and draining all in one. The key for me is not only forgiveness as so many are so quick to bring up; but releasing the whole situation. I can release my emotions from that time, but also the emotions that come with the effects of abuse or trauma. Then how the Lord the steps in and shows me where He was then and where He is today is so incredibly healing and life giving. The focus is not just on the one who caused the problem, but the problem, the side effects, and my poor coping skills. This is followed by replacing the situation in its entirety with forgiveness, speaking something positive over the situation, and finally getting my hope back.  One situation can take a chunk of time to work through, but it is so worth it. 

During this process I have had to come face to face with lots of things that were not pleasant to talk about, accept, or deal with; yet I have not felt manipulated one time. It is my journey of self-discovery not someone else’s. I don’t feel like I am being “fixed” by any means. The control has been given back to me and that freedom is not something I can describe in words very easily. I am reminded of a commercial not too long ago where young women were coming into a store and being able to “purchase” or pick out what they wanted in life, such as; what type of job, children, car, house, etc. For me, I get to go back and take back where my power was stolen, where my voice was muffled, and loose the ties that bound my hands and feet. Realizing you have choices in life where you really can choose what you want to do is freeing. One doesn’t have to be feel trapped by circumstances that can easily overwhelm a person. Most of my life I think I have lived with feeling overwhelmed and that hampers your perspective of what can and can’t be done. There are more choices in situations that I realized. This revelation alone has empowered me in my daily life as well as dealing with the past.I think in many ways I am getting stronger or maybe I am just realizing how strong I am. Either way, God's grace has been more than sufficient for me.