Marriage Monday: In-laws

In-laws are a great topic! Thanks E-Mom for hosting MarriageMondays.

I would say that miscommunication and misunderstandings plagued me when it came to my in-laws. We did not start out on a positive note. Neither side of Chuck nor my family were too happy that we married so quickly and so young. Looking back, I can see that many of their concerns were reasonable, but my own insecurities did not allow me to see another’s point of view. The choice that Chuck and I made by homeschooling our children, I believed isolated us further; sometimes it is hard to build bridges that someone is willing to walk over.  By the time the kids were teenagers, I was much better at building motes than bridges. Staying in a toxic church for eleven years took its toll on our family, but especially me. I became very wary of people and wondered how I would ever heal.

All that changed on October 9, 2010. Having two tragedies happen back to back will force anyone out of their shell. I remember calling my in-laws and telling them about Jonathan. Then the following day having to call them about their son; it was such a difficult call. I had no idea how they would react. But something changed between us that day and it has never been the same. They took the news as well as any parents would, shocked and in dismay. I told them that I would keep them posted as things changed. By the time I drove Chuck home, Charles, my father in-law had committed to staying with Chuck while I went back to college. He brought dinner with him and sat with Chuck a couple a days each week for probably a month or so. This was invaluable to me, I could try to make up college and not worry too much about Chuck. Laurel, my mother in-law would come by on the weekends  because she worked during the week. Each time they came, they always asked what they could do to help us. This life changing event changed our relationships. We were all more relaxed and conversation flowed. I have a very hard time asking for help, but as they came over, I was able to allow them to do the dishes or make dinner.

With every decision on my shoulders, I was afraid that I would make wrong decisions; I realized that I needed counsel. Charles had been an attorney most of his life, I knew that he would help me maneuver through the muddy waters. I have to say that in this area, I cannot thank them enough. Charles helped me find an attorney, came with me to all the meetings, and talked to me about the finances. Never once did he or Laurel suggest that I do this or that. They left everything up to me and only gave their opinion if I asked for it. I am pretty sure I would have sunk to the bottom had I not had those conversations with Charles.

When I started looking up all the issues that come with brain injuries they have a section on in-laws and most of it isn’t pretty. I couldn’t imagine dealing with controlling in-laws in the midst of everything else. I guess the parents of the injured tend to step over boundaries that they shouldn’t. It is like they go back to being parents of a little child. I am so grateful that did not happen to me. Through this ordeal we have come to see each other in a different light. We will probably not agree on things politically or even spiritually. But there is a newfound respect that grew from our mutual love of Chuck and Jonathan.

I have seen where tragedy has torn apart families and it just adds to the pain. Sometimes there is so much damage that it not repairable. For our family it took something so much bigger than us to see really how we felt about it each, but maybe we just did not know how to express it. It took twenty years before we had our breakthrough. God is faithful to slowly work on our hearts. Today I see my in-laws in such a different light. We weathered the storm together.